A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
did i walk over a car last night?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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