the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
