this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
