Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's blow job season.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
