my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
