The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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