I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
