and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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