i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
