I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
