I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
