when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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