I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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