If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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