the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
