I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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