my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Someone shattered a urinal.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
