i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
