I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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