I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
