Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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