I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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