i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
