He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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