I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
