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As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
