he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
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They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
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I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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