4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
