How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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