I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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