Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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