Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
