I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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