And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
