I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
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Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
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then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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