Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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