I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
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i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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