Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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