Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
40s are totally the cure
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
