i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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