Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
