is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.