I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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