I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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