I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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