she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Found the puke drawer
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
