My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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