Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
