why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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