im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
