Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
