You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
