Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
