Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I understand Curling. That high.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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