Who did Billy Mays play for?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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